grandiloquent

You’re about to get some insight into the way I argue – and win.

I’m going to give you a 5-dollar word today, grandiloquent.

To be grandiloquent means to be lofty in style; it’s a description of someone who blasts out so much high-brow bullshit that no one can understand what the fuck the guy is saying – or why he even said it to begin with.

I read a blog post today that had some tech-nerd moron come in on a comment that tried (and was relatively successful) to put a slant on the discussion so he could make himself sound smart under the guise of righteousness.

Of course, other commenters chimed in and called bullshit. They were right of course, but the original asshole is now getting attention. More fuel to the fire. So the asshole now has ammunition. I expect that comment thread to completely dive into the bottomless depths of personal attacks. More on that later.

Meeting smart with stupid

How I stop tech-nerd assholes from going grandiloquent on me is to meet smart with stupid – on purpose. Nerds hate this with a passion because it completely destroys anything “smart” they could possibly say. A nerd wrongly assumes he can outsmart me by filling up a comment thread with unbelievably long diatribes about how he thinks I’m wrong and he’s right.

But that’s where he makes his fatal mistake.

The internet is not about long diatribes. It’s about the quick and the dead. I can kill any nerd’s long-ass bullshit’ifed comment by saying something along the lines of:

I'm just commenting to say I didn't read your comment. Too long. Fail. Try again when you can make sense without writing a novel.

I don’t even have to acknowledge what he said and I still win. My itty bitty comment as shown says this:

1. Your overblown bullshit is hereby nullified.
2. You’re talking out of your ass by writing so much shit that no one cares about.
3. Other people will read what I wrote and completely agree with me because you’re wasting everyone’s time.
4. Anything you write from this point forward will make you look even more like the asshole you truly are.

It doesn’t even matter whether I’m right or wrong – the nerd put the nail in his own coffin by writing too fucking much.

“Fail” is meeting smart with stupid and it works every time.

It’s like this: The nerd has carefully crafted a masterful comment. It’s several paragraphs long. He’s worked on it for a good 10 to 30 minutes and is thinking “I’ve got this asshole now. There’s no WAY he can refute what I’m about to say.”

And he’s met with “fail”. Smart is defeated by stupid. And there’s not a fucking thing he can do about it.

Killing them with kindness

Once a nerd has been “failed” he will completely throw logic out the window because it didn’t work. So now he’s going to bust out some personal attacks. These are usually “clothed” in smart-sounding words.

Like this:

For someone that's supposed to be a professional, your lack of research is astounding.

A-ha! Nice one. You’re stating indirectly that I’m unprofessional and an idiot. Yep, I saw that.

This is my typical response.

You're so right, I couldn't agree more! Thanks for your wonderful comment! Don't forget to subscribe!

See what I did there? I insulted back and made him look like an idiot without even calling him a single name. This comment translates to “No.. you’re the asshole.”

A nerd will see this and first be confused then immediately angry. His feeble attempt to “get back” at me failed miserably.

“The big goodbye”

When a nerd has ultimately failed he has one of two options:

1. Stop commenting because he’s been defeated (most do).
2. Give a big ol’ send-off, state the web site sucks, say it’s my fault (obviously) and that he’ll NEVER visit again (which is a lie because they always do to see if you responded.)

Only the truly moronic go for The Big Goodbye. The nerd has been stomped. Hard. And I did the stomping. He’s embarrassed. Angry. Pissed off. And darn it, he’s gotta do SOMETHING to “get back” at me. Something… anything..

The Big Goodbye is what they go for.

I will never visit this site again. You obviously cannot be reasoned with intelligently. Comments like yours are destroying the community. I will go to [insert other web site here] for better conversation. Goodbye.

You’re pissed off and letting the world know it. You indirectly called me an idiot (again). And who the fuck elected you as the leader of the community? Oh, that’s right.. you gave yourself that title. Guess I missed that memo.

My only response to this is “k, bye” or something equally trite. I will not apologize because the guy was an asshole to begin with and I have nothing to apologize for. I won’t insult him either. In fact, I won’t remove his comment.

Want to know why?

It brings in more readership.

Thanks, grandiloquent nerd!