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In a few hours I will be going to the dentist. It's very early in the morn' right now and my appointment is @ 7:30am. Thankfully my boss is a really cool guy and is okay with me being temporarily out for Monday morning.

I can guarantee you this is how things are going to go down. Take notes; you will be quizzed later.

  1. I will be talked down to (in a nice manner) that I should have gone to the dentist sooner. I will resist the urge to yell in his face and state that dentists are expensive.
  2. The dentist's poking and prodding into my mouth will hurt. I will say (or rather make an attempt to speak) that it hurts. The dentist will be confused and say it shouldn't hurt. Every single dentist I've ever been to has always said this even when my teeth were in much better condition. It's annoying but I deal with it. My teeth have always been sensitive and that's just the way it is.
  3. I will be told that my smoking is bad and I shouldn't do it. Yes, I know this. The dentist doesn't know I've been making a very large effort at quitting. I will deal with it. The ironic thing is that my teeth are whiter than most non-smokers' teeth. Funny that.
  4. I will be told that I don't floss enough, even though I know for a fact I floss more than 90% of America does (give or take a few hundred thousand people).

God willing, there will be no needles or novocaine involved. It could be that the idiot dentist simply does some very minor intrusion into my mouth, takes some x-rays, charges me a few hundred bucks (oh joy) and then says I have to come back a few months later to start a long process of pain and suffering to get my teeth back into shape. If this is the case, fine. I will deal with that as best I can.

However if there are any needles/novocaine involved, it will 100% suck. Half my face will be "asleep" after getting shot with novocaine and in typical fashion I will feel depressed for the entire day.

In the past there was a period of almost six months where I was in and out of the dentist many times, usually once or twice a month. I've been drilled and filled a lot. Yes, I've seen the smoke come out of my mouth from the drill - THAT SUCKS. Yes, I've had the "block" put in my mouth so it would be forced open so the dentist could work on me - THAT SUCKS. Yes, I've had a root canal, seen the iron hooks, and sat in the chair feeling absolutely helpless and frightened out of my mind. All the while the one thought going thru my mind is "Please, Mr. Idiot Dentist, finish your job so I can get out of here."

The worst: I once had a secondary molar that needed to be pulled and I remember that experience as if it were yesterday. The guy looked me square in the face and said "This is gonna hurt." He then stuck a needle directly in the roof of my mouth and shot novocaine. Pain extreme. To give you a teeny tiny example of what that feels like, take your finger and push your fingernail gently on the roof of your mouth. Notice how it's really sensitive? Imagine a needle being stuck in there. After the novocaine shot he grabbed a pair of pliers (I kid you not), grabbed the tooth and yanked it out. It took three pulls. Rarely in my life have I ever felt such pain. It's the kind of pain that's so intense it almost makes you pass out. It took me the better half of the day to collect myself, so to speak.

You want pain? That's pain.

The only time I remember having a good visit was a really long time ago. My wisdom teeth were to be all taken out (this was before the secondary molar decided it didn't want to be there). I was gassed and sound asleep for the entire process. At the time I had a girlfriend who was willing and able to take me to/from the dentist. When I woke up and opened my eyes after the whole ordeal, she was there smiling back at me and said everything was okay. I felt fine and was so unbelievably thankful she was there. I was in a very vulnerable state (obviously) and she was nothing but perfect.

That is the one and only time I remember a nice dentist's visit.

As an interesting side note, I've seen billboards that promote dentists who will gas you for every visit - even for simple checkups. Do I think this is a good idea? ABSOLUTELY. If I could be gassed for every single dentist's procedure I'd do it in a hot minute without hesitation. I would be totally willing to pay the extra cash and take a cab home if it meant I never had to see iron hooks, drills or hear that UNBELIEVABLY annoying word "open" said to me again and again and again and again.

I am not looking forward to this and feel stressed even as I write this. I'm just praying this idiot dentist does his job, doesn't charge me too much and doesn't give me any grief.

At this stage in my life I don't take any grief from dentists anymore. If the guy or girl starts getting on my case about anything I will gladly tell them to STOP talking right there. The figurative blinders go on at that point and I will completely shut them out, stating something to the effect of "Stop lecturing me, shut your mouth, do your job. I will pay your bill, you will tell me when the next appointment is. Understand?"

I'm normally met with shock when that happens but I couldn't care less. Do your job and then literally get out of my face.

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