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Van Helsing Equals Monkey Vomit

Hey guess what, I got a contributing editor to the site today. Happens to be a guy I work with who gets features on the SciFi web site quite often in the Letters section.

Check it out, this is what he wrote:


Normally, I agree with Michael Basil on a lot of points he brings up (Hugh Jackman Makes Van Wilder). Normally, I admire his well-written letters expressing thought out opinions on the state of the pursuit of SF (be it speculative fiction or science fiction).

But not today.

And I apologize ahead of time if I offend Michael, because I think he's a decent human being with a decent head on his shoulders.

But to say that Van Helsing was anything but a steaming pile of monkey vomit is just not accurate. From the Wolfman crawling on the walls (a motif Sommers seems unable to shed) to undead demon babies to unexplained hordes of knock-off ugnaughts, to the ludicrous plot twist of only a werewolf being capable of killing Dracula, this movie rates down in the basement with the worst Troma produced films. And I like Troma!

So many things were twisted so far beyond recognition, it's like they were just making it up as they went along. Re-imaginings and re-inventions have finally, irrevocably, gone too far. I wanted my Dracula to be a detached, almost-as-emotionless-as-lifeless, regal being of supreme evil. Not Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face.

I have to admit, the wolfman transformations deserved a second look?but there were plot contrivances that simply made no sense. Horror flicks don't need to make sense, but it helps. Glaringly, the literal litters of "young" the brides had. If vampire young are born dead?and we are specifically told they are?and if they are born hundreds at a time?and we are specifically told they are?they must have been very small, on the order of millimeters. So if they're dead, how did they grow to these huge 2-foot across necrotic amniotic sacs? If we were to invoke fantasy or horror logic, we could say that they grew because they were otherworldly, but if they were otherwordly, why would they need the science of the Monster to bring them to "life?" Wouldn't a few sacrifices or a few gallons of virgin blood do the trick?

The amazing gadgets produced before the turn of the last century?I don't know, I resist period pieces that, except for the backgrounds and costumes, could be today.

This movie is one of the very few I have ever gotten so close to walking out of?and I paid 8 bucks for Starship Troopers.

If this is what keeps Transylvania on the moviemaking map, then throw it out there "where there be dragons!"

Sorry Mike, I just can't back ya up on this one. I'm hoping you were being sarcastic.

Adrian Hunter

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I'll call you in 10 minutes

The telephone is a great invention, no doubt about it. I mean, think of it: You pick up a receiver, do a beep-bop-bop-beep-boop-boop-bop, the recipient's telephone rings, and you can have an audio conversation. How cool is that?

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Whole lotta shakin' goin' on

Sheez, where to start.. a lot of crap has happened over the past few days. Ok, here goes.

First, at work a girl named Judy appeared and was visiting for the day from some other department in the company (I think... I don't pay attention to those things), and she seemed to take quite a liking to me, platonically of course, but that's not a bad thing. She happened to be good friends with my "cubie" (i.e. person who sits w/me in the same cube) Deb. In some strange twist of fate, the conversation leaned my way and the subject went straight to the fact I have no girlfriend right now. Judy somewhat elected herself to be matchmaker for me. Good thing? Bad thing? Not sure at this point.

I've traded a few AIM's (that's instant messaging for those who don't know) with Judy and she's already invited me to go hang out, probably at a bar or something. And of course she will bring the intended (the girl she wants to hook me up with). Honestly speaking, it's not meeting someone new that scares me. It's the fact I would have to go to a bar - which I don't ordinarily like. I will wholly admit - I cannot simply sit somewhere and drink because a) I don't drink and b) I get bored to tears very, very easily. The whole thing just seems like a complete waste of time to me. It would be so much cooler to street hike in Boston, or go to a museum, or go to a show, or even something as simple as a movie... you know, something to do. I made sure to 'warn' Deb in advance that I hope there are pool tables at whereever I'm taken to (if the stars line up and this actually happens), because if I just sit there it's not going to be a pretty picture.

In addition, the intended is Judy's sister.. I think that's what she said. I don't remember. Being that I have the attention span of a stump, I don't remember details like that. But, what I do remember is Judy saying all sorts of good things about the intended, of course. I also remember telling her (more or less) "Why are you doing all this for me, you hardly know me", to which she replied "I trust my gut." I thank her gut. 🙂

Secondly, my Counter-Strike Team has really been picking up steam by leaps and bounds. We've recruited in several new members (good ones this time), and are still getting blasted with tryout requests. Awesome, but it can drain you. My only beef at this point is that I have to get my team captain off his ass and start conducting tryouts more often. I am starting to get comments from existing team members that some people who are wanting to try out never get a shot. That is supposed to be the team captain's responsibility to attend to that.. so I will have to deal with that.

Also, I am having to 'go back to school' so-to-speak concerning running the Counter-Strike server itself. This takes up a large chunk of my free time configuring the damn thing.. and no one seems to understand the amount of effort it takes to do it. Then again - it is my responsibility, so I shouldn't complain. I am having to learn more and more about this thing day by day. It is an ongoing process. Someday soon I will have the server to the point where I can let it just run and not worry about it. When will this happen? No clue, but I'm hoping it will be soon. 🙂

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