don't use the big goodbye

The Big Goodbye is something stupid people use in a seriously lame attempt to make themselves look smart when in fact it makes them look dumb.

In other words, TBGs are used by attention harlots.

TBGs are best shown by example, so here's a few. I will be using Referee Tart to make this article more attractive.

1. "..and I will never return to this site again!"

FOUL You're lying

The use of the word never means the exact opposite. Not only will you return but do so several times to make darn sure your stupid comment/post is there and seen.

See, here's the thing: If you truly did not want to visit a particular web site ever again, you'd simply stop and would never announce it. When you announce, you're an attention harlot. You are that whiny little four-year-old brat waving his or her arms for attention and might as well be screaming "LOOKIT ME! LOOKIT ME!"

2. "I'm unsubscribing!"

FOUL Nobody cares, and what you're doing has the exact opposite effect of what you think it has

The "I'M UNSUBSCRIBING" b.s. happens on YouTube and for other sites that use a subscription-based medium, such as newsletters.

What the mouth breather doesn't realize is that whenever they do this they're attracting *more* subscribers. They think that they're pulling some grand maneuver and that it's TOTALLY INSULTING to say "I'M UNSUBBING nanna-nanna boo-boo!". Um, no. You just attracted more subs, so you're nothing but a big pile of fail.

3. "X was better the way it used to be"

FOUL You like things to be old, crusty and predictable while everyone else doesn't

X can mean anything, be it a web site, forum, YouTube channel, author's content or whatever. The idiot blurts out that X was better Y time ago and that everything should go back to the way things were. This type of idiot is a back seat driver, and sincerely believes they speak for everyone. Um.. nope. Nobody cares.

This maneuver technically isn't a TBG, but it usually precedes one.

4. "I don't think people appreciate your.."

FOUL No one elected you leader, jackass

Your mention of people (and/or community) means you honestly think that you speak for everyone. Maybe in your own little world you do, but only there. Nobody asked you to speak for everybody, nor do they want you to. Nobody cares what you think, so shut your face.

5. "I'm going to tell everybody about [insert TBG user's inane bile here] and to NEVER to go to your site!"

FOUL You're lying. Again.

"Everybody" means nobody. Nobody cares about what you think about a certain web site or person. Repeat: They don't care. Why? Because "everybody" doesn't want to hear you complain about something you saw on the internet.

But let's say for the moment you do know people. Guess what happens? The exact opposite. You telling your friends about a web site you hate will prompt them to go to it.

Thanks for the free publicity! I should tick you off more often.

6. "A truly smart person would have.." / "Someone didn't do their research.."

FOUL Attempting to hide an insult makes you even more of an asshat

Something like this usually precedes a TBG.

So you thought you'd be all smooth 'n' smarmy by indirectly taking a jab at the author's intelligence. What you're trying (and failing) to do is hide a direct insult. The reason you're doing this is because if the author replies and says you're launching a personal attack, you'll reply and say, "I was never talking about you... it could have been anybody!" Wrong, jackass. You were talking about the author and everybody knows it. Stop being a douche nugget, because everybody can see right through that.

So kids, the lesson is this: Don't use a TBG unless you want to be instantly pegged as an attention harlot with an IQ of a caveman.

Published 2010 Jan 28