Every documentary on heavy metal sucks

Above is a two-and-a-half hour documentary called Heavy: The Story of Metal, which originally aired in 2006 on a cable channel here in America called VH-1. I don't know how long it's going to stay online, so watch it while you can before it gets pulled. (ETA: Yep, it got pulled, sorry, but I still got stuff to say about this.)

Is it any good?

No, it sucks.

There are a lot of reasons why it sucks, but here are a few that immediately stick out:

• Not a single mention of Deep Purple, as if Machine Head never happened.
• Zero mention of how American southern rock was just as heavy and at times much heavier (e.g. Mississippi Queen from Mountain) than whatever was on the radio at the time.
• Stone Cold Crazy from Queen not mentioned at all, a ridiculously heavy song.
• No mention of The Who. At all. The documentary labels Steppenwolf as heavy, so The Who definitely counts.

Ultimately, the documentary ends up being nothing but a sales pitch for Ozzfest, which at the time was still going until it ended in 2008, skipped a year, came back in 2010, skipped two years, then came back in 2013. Anything going on since then? Not a thing. Ozzfest.com hasn't been updated since November 2013. Will there be any more updates? Who the hell knows.

Even if the documentary is offline by the time you read this, believe me, you're not missing much.

Why does every metal documentary suck?

Over the years I have watched several metal music documentaries. They're all terrible because whoever is directing the stupid thing has to decide on a slant to take, and it's always the wrong one. Is there a right one? Probably not.

However, there is one and only one thing the VH-1 documentary gets right. At the beginning of the presentation, several mainstream metal musicians are asked to define what heavy metal is. None of them knew the answer...

...and that's why all metal documentaries suck. How the hell can you put together a documentary about a particular subject when you can't even define what the subject is?

So what's happened to metal in the 8 years since the documentary was made?

Quite a bit, all negative. The worst of it is that what little there was of a metal community has now all but completely died.

In other parts of the world like Germany, Romania and United Kingdom, metal still has a fairly strong presence. But in America? Metal now only exists as a bunch of kids posting YouTube videos. There is no scene, no community and everyone basically gave up on metal altogether.

Does that mean metal in America is dead? For the time being, yes it is...

...but it's not totally the music industry's fault.

Metal bands have had the ability for a while now to forge their own path via means of internet and promote themselves independently, yet still don't get anywhere. If a metal band is of the attitude of, "Screw the music industry, we can make it on our own", that is a totally doable thing.

So what's the problem? Really crappy metal songs. Plenty of metal musicians, but few who know how to really write a good song with good, headbanging riffs that contains lyrics that people can actually relate to.

And of course it doesn't help that YouTube is full of moron guitar shredders that couldn't carry a tune even if it had handles on it.

Will things change?

If metal bands ever figure out how to write good metal songs again, yes. But that doesn't look likely.

What do I mean by "good metal songs"? Listen to old Judas Priest, Iron Maiden and Dio. Listen to how straightforward the riffs were. Listen to how every song has a proper beginning, middle and end. Listen how each song has a good hook to it. Listen to how huge each song sounded. That's what I'm talking about.

No, I'm not saying metal bands have to sound exactly like Priest, Maiden and Dio. What I'm saying is to listen to the method of how each song flows from those bands. There is no detuned garbage going on. There are no Cookie Monster vocals. There are no wacky time signatures. What those dudes wrote was just straight-up good metal riffs with proper song structure to keep it together. And it worked.

Can it work again? Yes, but only if metal bands these days pull their heads out of their asses and write songs that kick you in the face the proper way... but again, that's not likely to happen. They'll still detune everything so songs sound like a big, long, stinky fart, and add Cookie Monster vocals on top which is just another fart noise.

Yep, that's American metal today. Loud, distorted farts. Congrats, guys. You suck.

Chiptune music sucks

If you ever wanted to know what kind of musician puts forth the most effort and gets the least results, the chiptune musician is it.

A chiptune is when some idiot purposely creates synthesized music on an 8-bit sound chip, but not just any sound chip. He will use the crappy sound chip in an 8-bit gaming console, namely the Nintendo Entertainment System or a Nintendo Game Boy.

I can understand it when someone wants to make electronic music that involves a bit of tinkering and hardware hacking to do it. But why they would choose an NES or a Game Boy for that instead of, say, a littleBits synth kit is beyond me. True synths always sound better.

Seriously, a MicroBrute sounds so much better than that craptastic NES chip.

When you want that real-deal, fat-ass synth sound, you get a proper analog synth to do it with, and not the ridiculously wimpy NES.

Another thing about the chiptune sound whether it's from an NES or Commodore 64 SID or whatever it used is that what's heard just isn't pleasant, and there is no way to make it pleasant.

With analog synth, you can get the sound to be "warm" or "soft" or whatever you choose to call it. But that cannot be done on an 8-bit chip. If you say it can, I tell you you're wrong because you are. I've heard many attempts to make 8-bit chips get a warmer/softer sound, and... no. Just doesn't work.

Chiptune music started as an underground thing and stayed there, thankfully. It's just a bad sound made on crappy equipment. Hopefully anyone who does chiptune music now will eventually grow out of that crap and get a real synthesizer for a change.

Why you will never be a rock star, and why that's okay

Trying to become a rock star in this day and age is a total waste of time because nobody wants you to be.

The last great rock stars existed in the 1990s. After that, they pretty much vanished.

There basically is no such thing as the traditional rock star that fills arenas anymore. That time has long passed, and it's not just because of internet. People simply cannot afford it anymore.

In the past, there was The Machine in effect to create a rock star, but today that machine is totally broken and doesn't work anymore.

From the 1950s to the 1970s, The Machine was record labels, radio and television variety shows like The Ed Sullivan Show. In the 1980s, the variety show was kicked to the curb, replaced by MTV. In the 1990s, MTV was still a force, but started introducing original programming with The Real World in 1992.

Side note: Yes, MTV invented "reality television" with that show. And we all hate MTV for it.

Then the 2000s came, and with it broadband internet speeds and file sharing. Uh-oh.

Since the 2000s, there's been a steady decline in music sales. And yeah, you can blame internet for that. However, every single part that made up The Machine is in serious trouble.

Radio has no influence on music sales anymore. The most popular radio programming these days is the talk format (political talk shows do quite well). Record labels, which are basically nothing but PR companies by the way, only care about bubble gum pop and crappy rap music. MTV is a joke and has been for years.

In other words, The Machine is dead.

Want to be a rock star? Think smaller.

Okay, so as a rock guitar player, bassist or drummer, you know the music industry hates you. That's fine because The Machine is broken and wouldn't work for you anyway. Screw 'em.

Help yourself instead.

Step 1. Decide on a format

Country bands make the most money. You play country, and you can basically play anywhere. You can also throw in original music and nobody complains about it - a big plus.

Oldies rock bands do well because you can play anywhere, similar to country bands. The money isn't as good as with the country band, but you can still do well.

Classic rock bands do okay, but you have to work twice as hard to get people to show up to your shows. However, once you establish a regular line of gigs, the pay can be good. Not stellar, but good.

Metal bands make the least money and are dead last. There are very few places to play, so you will have to create your own venue.

Step 1a. Special notes for metal bands

I said in a video a while back that the best thing for a metal band to do is to make the practice space also the gigging space.

Find a building owner willing to rent out a large space to you for cheap where you can play as loud as you want for as long as you want.

Put together a set list of 30 classic metal cover songs, which will end up being about 2 hours of music. Do all the biggies. Cover classic Metallica, classic Slayer, etc. You know the drill.

In the local flyer, advertise a "Classic Metal Night," and that it's 5 bucks a head to get in. Advertise this a full week before you put the show on, and be darned sure you state in the ad WHERE you are. Give directions. List a web site with directions too.

Keep doing "Metal Night" shows, learn as many covers as possible, fill up your space every Saturday, and that can end up bringing in the band $1,000 a month if you do it right.

Want to do originals? Go ahead, but only after you start getting a following and not before. People are showing up for the covers and not the originals. But you can swing that around later so that people show up for your originals and not the covers. However, that will take time. Do it slow.

The key thing is making the locals AWARE you exist, and the best way is advertising in the local flyer. Yeah, you can have a Facebook page or Twitter profile if you want, but it's the flyer that will really kick things off right. Remember, a lot of metalheads gave up on social media a long time ago, both young and old. Don't depend on social media to get the word out, because it's just not enough.

One last thing before continuing. Know that metalheads are notoriously cheap. Have a big dude or two stand at the door and not let anyone in that doesn't pay. Everyone has to get their stamp on the wrist (or colored paper wrist band or whatever you decide to use) as proof of payment, and that requires a fiver. If you don't do this, people will pour in for free, and you'll make no money. Do not be afraid to turn people away who don't pay, because remember, you're probably the only good metal show in town. To give the bouncers incentive to do their job, promise them a cut of whatever cash is made that night. Make it reasonable. Also be sure to use bouncers you can trust that won't just walk away with all the cash.

Step 2. Set a reasonable radius

This basically means how much time you're willing to travel in any one direction to play a gig, and it varies depending on where you live.

If you're doing the metal band thing, travel is minimal because your practice spot is the gigging spot.

For every other type of band, note that I said how much time you're willing to travel and not distance.

A gig that's 30 minutes away is no big deal. A gig that's 2 hours away is a big deal, because that means 4 hours total travel, not including set up and break down time.

Do not play places where the travel time is too much to deal with. Stick to a radius where the most travel required is 1 hour each way at most. Chances are pretty good that too-good-to-be-true gig 2 hours away will in fact be too good to be true, you'll show up, the gig will be canceled and you'll go home with no money.

Step 3. Create your own gigs whenever possible

I mentioned this with the metal band thing, but it can apply to any other band type as well.

When you run the show, you know it will happen, and that's a nice comfort zone. As far as how you get paid for those gigs, I'll mention something I've mentioned before. Break out the tip jar. After every second or third song you play, mention the jar, tell the audience if they like the show that anything thrown in is appreciated. It really works. Some bands routinely get $500 just from tips alone. Sometimes more.

Where to set up and play? That I can't tell you because I don't know your area. But the easiest ones would probably be car shows and biker meet-ups. Set up an open tent, plug in and go.

Step 4. Gig locally often

Minimum two gigs a month, even if you have to create the gigs yourself.

Step 5. Advertise often

Use local flyer advertising. Also give away free t-shirts at every gig so you can make your fans walking advertisements.

Step 6. Make friends with local businesses

Approach a local business, as in a business that's truly local like a lumber yard, pizza shop, tattoo parlor or something like that. Work a deal with them where if a customer walks in and mentions "[Your band name] sent me here", they get 5% off anything in the store, and in exchange, your band gets free advertising space on their storefront.

Send businesses customers, and they will reciprocate and give you stuff back. This is the old "I scratch your back and you scratch mine" way of doing things. Win-win situation, and the word about your band is spread, which brings in more attendance to your shows.

Step 7. Don't be a "live karaoke" band

Put on a show. Dress up. Jump around. Make the show like a stage play. Use props. Tell jokes. Too many bands just stand around like lumps and are no better than a karaoke machine, and a bad one at that. Do something while you're playing.

Humor can be used, and there are countless ways to put humor in the show.

Example:

"This next song is called John Goodman Would Probably Win a Diarrhea Contest if Given The Right Amount of Food and The Right Set of Rules..."

[band starts playing]

[singer interrupts]

"WE DON'T HAVE A SONG CALLED THAT!"

With props, get inflatable baseball bats or inflatable hammers that squeak when you hit someone with them. Purposely have someone in the band make a mistake with a song, stop the song, then say:

"Due to [band member] screwing up, he will now be punished with The Hammer of Shame."

[take out inflatable hammer from behind amp, whack member in the head]

"Twice."

[whack him again]

You do stuff like this, and people will come back again and again. People getting whacked over the head with inflatable toys ALWAYS WORKS.

Stop being "serious" with your music

"Serious" musicians never get anywhere, because it leads to nothing but band drama, shortly followed by band breakup, and that's stupid.

Being entertaining is more important than being good.

I'll say it another way. You're not trying to get a record deal since you know you'll never get it anyway. You're not trying to be nationally famous. You are trying to be the best-known band in town and possibly in the state.

Is this a reachable goal? YES. This is something you can do, do fairly easily and start making cash quick from it - but only if you drop the "I'm a serious musician" attitude.

No, this does not mean you have to be a joker all the time. But it also doesn't mean you have to be perfect all the time either. When going for the "local hero" angle, you are allowed not to be perfect all the time because the goal is just to entertain the people and have fun doing it.

Also, consider that if everyone in town knows you're in the coolest band around, isn't that the same thing as being famous? Yes, it is. And isn't that the same as being a rock star? Again, yes it is.

Maybe you're not known nationally, and maybe you're not a millionaire, but you've got the status, and that was the goal all along.

How much does music gear instrument insurance actually cost?

Insuring your music gear, whether it's a guitar, amplifier, violin, cello or something else isn't something most musicians think about - until they actually need it.

Do you need it?

If you answer any one of the following questions with a yes, you need it:

• Do you perform gigs regularly?
• Do you collect instruments at all?
• Are you worried about having your gear stolen, even a little bit?

There are basically two kinds of people who need gear insurance. Gigging musicians and collectors. And the type of insurance you get depends on which of the above describes you best.

Gigging musician gear insurance

The goal of insuring gear here is not necessarily to financially protect against theft (although that is included with the policy,) but rather to protect against things like damage and what's known in the insurance business as Acts of God.

These two things are easy to understand, as long as you know what is covered.

Damage

This is not necessarily for gear you own, but rather for gear you rent. When you gig out, it's probably true you'll be renting a lot of gear. If that gear gets damaged while gigging, the policy covers it for anywhere from $5,000 to $100,000, depending on how much you want to spend on the policy.

Can you put gear you already own on the policy? Yes, but it actually makes more sense to insure gear you just bought or are planning to buy because you absolutely know the value of it up front before insuring it. This makes things a lot easier as far as paperwork is concerned.

For example, at the time I write this, a brand new Fender Standard Stratocaster is 500 bucks. You know that the cost to replace that guitar is 500, so that's what you insure it for. If you want to accommodate for things like tax and shipping, add in that as well (which would make it around $540 or $550.)

Can you be compensated for if gear is not totally destroyed but damaged from wear and repaired? Most of the time, yes. Again, it depends on what the policy covers.

Acts of God

An example of this would be a naturally occurring disaster that causes damage or outright destroys gear. Flood, earthquake, hurricane, tornado, etc. That sort of thing.

Some music gear insurance policies cover this, but most don't.

HOW MUCH?

Depending on where you go, it starts at about $150 a year for a basic policy.

Classical musician instrument insurance

If you play a classical instrument, the insurance policy is not all that different from a gigging musician who insures his guitars and amps. However, the type of claim is different because it's usually true the classical instrument in question requires an appraisal first, hence why it's separated out as a different policy altogether.

The most valuable thing to a classical musician concerning the policy is usually rental reimbursement while their primary instrument is being repaired, should it get damaged. Any good policy that insures a classical instrument should have that kind of coverage.

HOW MUCH?

About the same price as the gigging musician's policy; a basic policy starts at $150 a year.

Musical gear insurance for collectors

This is totally different from the insurance for gigging musicians and classical players, because you are not insuring an instrument that gets played regularly. Rather, you are insuring a thing that will probably rarely if ever be played and either sits in a display case or is stored in a guitar case in a secured location.

If you are a guitar player, it is most likely true the guitar you want to insure is an antique. That being said, you would insure it as a collectible.

If you use GEICO, they do in fact have collectibles insurance, and you could insure a collectible guitar with them if you wanted to - if the guitar qualifies as a collectible.

It's the qualifying process that can be really annoying, because it usually involves someone (usually an appraiser) to say, "Yeah, that guitar is worth X", with X being the value that the appraiser, you, and the insurance company all agree upon.

Fortunately, there are many insurance companies that have collectibles insurance policy options. If you absolutely cannot find anyone local that insures collectibles for some weird reason, find your nearest antique shop and ask the owner what he or she uses. They'll usually be happy to tell you because nobody ever asks about that stuff, and people are happy to tell their stories about it.

HOW MUCH?

It depends on the collectible and what the policy covers.

There are some instances where you can get $10,000 worth of collectibles insurance for just $50 a year. But of course the higher the coverage, the higher the price of the policy. Maybe you could get $100,000 worth of coverage for $250 a year, or maybe it will be higher. You won't know until you decide how much coverage you want and then checking out what the rates are.

Another factor is what the policy covers and more importantly what it doesn't. Maybe it covers just theft but not Acts of God. Maybe it won't kick in its full coverage until you've had the insurance for some time (anywhere from 90 days to a year or maybe even longer.)

And of course there's the other factor of whether or not the policy allows for easy adding in or removing of collectible items. Chances are if you're a guitar collector, you will both acquire and sell off a few from time to time. How easy or difficult would it be to remove an item from the policy? Or what would be involved to add an item and how long would it take?

Is this kind of insurance easily available online?

It is, but bear in mind it's still handled old-school style to a large degree because it's not the same as insuring a car or a boat.

With a car, you can go online and have an insurance policy active and ready-to-use in less than 15 minutes.

With music gear whether it's a collectible or for gigging, the process is nowhere near as fast as that. There will be an application process and that will take time. There may be an appraisal involved and that will take more time. And it's probably true that a few phone calls will be involved along with a few faxes sent or letters mailed.

In other words, it's not quick, and there's really no way to make it quick.

Yes, you can get the insurance online, but just don't expect it to be a quick-and-easy signup process.

Tips on speeding up the application process

Insuring new gear is always easier than old gear because no appraisal is required. Just a receipt either sent by fax or postal mail is usually all that is needed.

When going to insure old gear, find out up front what the insurance company wants for appraisal specifics, as that usually will be the longest part of the application process. Some companies get really nitpicky about it while others don't.

Whenever phone calls are required, always call before noon, their time zone. Insurance is as boring as as bump on a stump, and the office turns into a total yawn-fest after lunch where people start getting really lazy. Call between 9am and 11am and things will usually go much smoother.

Are cheap microphones any good?

I just recently bought a microphone because the one I have is old (probably at least 15 years old) and never really sounded that good. So I decided to buy a SM58 clone of sorts, the Pyle PDMIC58.

The PDMIC58 is a cheap microphone, but the reviews for it say it's good for what it is. Is it? Yes. It gets the job done.

Can you get a good recording out of a cheap microphone? When you know how to use them, yes you can.

I don't use microphones often. In fact, I almost never use them. But there are a few tricks I know to get a good recorded sound out of even the cheapest of microphones.

Know the difference between omnidirectional and unidirectional

Unidirectional means the microphone only picks up sound from one direction, that being directly in front of the mic screen.

Omnidirectional means the microphone can pick up sound from in front and around it.

The general rule of thumb is to use unidirectional so the mic doesn't pick up extraneous noises surrounding it.

Arguably, the two most popular microphones of all time (if you want the spend the money on them), is the Shure SM57 and SM58 models. Both are unidirectional. The SM57 is the more rugged of the two and can take a serious beating. The SM58 has a more standard shape and can fit a mic sock easier.

Do you need Shure microphones? No. You can get away with a cheap mic as long as you know the right type to get, which is unidirectional.

Oh, and speaking of mic socks...

Sock it to me

Some people use these crazy windscreen getups when in reality all they needed was a good mic sock.

An external screen on a gooseneck mount is nice and all that, but not convenient because it's required that the mic is on a stand to make that work. The ultimate hit-record-and-just-do-it setup is a mic with a sock on it. No stand required.

Mic socks aren't just for vocals, by the way. If you're miking an amp that sounds good to your ears but has too much treble going through the mic, throw a sock on. It will cut out some of the treble just enough to where it sounds right. Yes, this really works.

Two mics will make any amp sound "bigger"

The standard way to record a guitar amp speaker is to point the microphone at the speaker ring and not the center of the cone; you do this because otherwise you get a very "midrangey" recorded sound with no bass to it. But even when pointed at the ring, the recorded sound may not have enough "oomph" to it, so to speak.

An old recording trick that makes any amp sound "bigger" or "fuller" or however you want to say it is to use a second mic pointed off-axis at the rear of the cabinet. You take a mic on a stand, raise it, point it down at an angle towards the back of the amp, and the end result is you're miking the bass boom of the speaker box. Have the front mic at something like 75% on the mixer and the rear mic at 25%, and it makes a world of difference.

Omnidirectional microphone tricks

For drums

Take two omnidirectional microphones and put them way high in the air on stands pointing down at either side of the acoustic drum kit. Doing this will capture the natural sounds the acoustic kit makes, and for lack of a better way of putting it, "makes the drums sound more real." You use those two omni mics along with the uni mics already on the kit, as the omnis are just used to capture the overall ambient kit sound and fed in at low volume through the mixer.

I call this way of miking a kit the "John Bonham" recording method, because when you record an acoustic kit that way in a room with some natural reverb to it, it'll sound like Led Zeppelin drums - especially if you play a beat like John did.

For natural reverb

If recording in a room where the natural reverberation coming off the walls sounds nice, take an omni mic and hang it somewhere in the room, such as off a rafter. Record live in the room and see how it sounds. It might sound really good.

Another way of doing it is to hang the mic off a stand where it's pointing straight down, and the screen is just a few centimeters from the floor. What you're doing is capturing what's being bounced off the floor, which sometimes captures ambient sound very nicely. Only works on hardwood floors however. No carpet, no concrete.

XLR. Always.

This is the one thing where I will not go cheap where microphones are concerned.

In the past, I've tried to get away with using 1/4-inch microphone cables. Whether it's a direct-to-1/4-inch or XLR-to-1/4-inch, whenever I've tried it, it just sounds awful no matter how much processing I put through it, pre or post or both.

The standard 3-pin male-to-female XLR mated to a mic has the most balanced sound, no question about it. If you asked me how or why it sounds more balanced, I couldn't tell you because I can't put it into words. All I know is that it makes a microphone sound the way it's supposed to.

Fortunately, my ZOOM R8 has inputs that are dual-purpose and can accept 1/4-inch or XLR. For the mic, I obviously use XLR. And fortunately, even itty-bitty mixer boards like the Behringer 502 has an XLR input on it specifically for microphone use.

Have I ever tried XLR-to-USB? No, because I've never had a need for it. There are a lot of ways you can do it, but I have absolutely no idea what type of XLR-to-USB works best. If I were going to give it a go personally, I'd let a USB mixer do the job. My ZOOM R8 could act as such a mixer, as could a little Behringer 302USB. Maybe that's a bit of overkill, but in my experience there's a lot less lag/latency to deal with when you use a USB-specific mixer that has a proper USB software driver for PC or laptop use.

Are karaoke microphones good for home recording?

No.

Most karaoke mics have permanent-mount 1/4-inch cable, which is bad. And for the ones that are real-deal XLR, the response from them isn't that good. A bit on the "flat" side.

There's really no reason to use a karaoke mic to record with when proper XLR microphones can be had for so cheap.

Yeah, there are karaoke mics that are ridiculously cheap, as in 5 bucks cheap. Not worth it just to save a buck. Spend a little extra for a proper XLR mic.

How many mics do you need?

I only need one for vocal stuff because I don't mike amps.

If you mike amps, I suggest getting at least two so you can try that front-ring/rear-off-axis mic method I mentioned above.

If you mike an acoustic drum kit, well, you're going to need more than two. Personally, I've miked acoustic kits in the past using only 3 microphones. One in front at about knee level, one behind the drummer at shoulder level pointed down towards the hi-hat, and the other off to the side at waist level for the other side of the kit. This works for smaller drum sets. But for the big kits, yeah you need a bunch of mics and there's really no way around that.

How cheap can you go?

If the mic is unidirectional, XLR-connected on both ends of the cable and has good reviews on Amazon, go for it.

It's probably true all you're trying to do is get a mic that can capture voice and your amp properly. Two mics like the one I bought at top will get the job done, and for under 25 bucks.