i don't like hamburgers

If you would have told me years ago that there would come a point in my life where I didn't like hamburgers anymore, I'd have called you insane.

Well, here we are.

The hamburger is, as far as I'm aware, an American invention. When I was little, I ate many hamburgers, mostly from fast food places. During summer, dad would fry up or grill hamburgers. I enjoyed them both.

It's probably true that for many years, not a month went by where I didn't eat at least 5 hamburgers at bare minimum. And I might be completely wrong there, because maybe it was a minimum 10? I don't remember. What I do remember is that I ate a lot of them, especially during the '90s when fast food was still truly cheap for the most part.

I'm over 50 now, and my diet is vastly different compared to what I used to eat. For the better, of course. Lots of greens, yogurt, water, no soda, and so on.

However, if I'm going out to eat and it's decided the meal is going to be some fast food slop, the last thing I would order is a hamburger. And it all has to do with thinking ahead. When I think about what a hamburger is, how it tastes and how it will feel after I eat the thing, I want absolutely nothing to do with it.

What do I get instead for fast food slop? Chicken. Specifically, chicken fingers because I don't want bread. All I want is the chicken, maybe a dipping sauce, maybe some fries, water or a zero-calorie drink, and nothing else. For fast slop, that's acceptable.

What's the problem with hamburgers?

That's an easy answer. Unseasoned, bland and digests terribly.

Let's skip the digestion part and just concentrate on the meat itself.

A genuinely good burger has meat that's been seasoned before frying, even if it's a simple mix of salt, pepper and paprika.

Absolutely nobody does this.

Ultimately, what you're tasting with a burger is the bread, sauces if present, cheese if present, and whatever is on top of the burger.

What does the burger alone taste like? Nothing. A slightly moist, chewy, tasteless nothing.

Chicken places, on the other hand, will either marinate and/or season the meat before frying. It is AUTOMATICALLY better for taste right out of the gate for that reason alone.

I rarely eat fast filth, but when I do, chicken is my go-to. I will always take chicken over a burger or even pizza.

I apply the same thinking when eating at a traditional restaurant. I look over the menu, and if everything sucks, I'll order whatever chicken offering they have and go with that as a safe option.

Since it's difficult for a restaurant to screw up chicken, that's why I consider it safe to go with.

Published 2025 Jul 17