If you don't know how to make a fried egg sandwich, you're an idiot

You may not know what a UPF is. I'll tell you.

Supposedly, one in seven adults (14%) are addicted to UPFs, which means ultra processed food. You can probably guess what type of food that is, but I'll tell you anyway. It's the usual suspects. Soda, ice cream and basically all the stuff you're not supposed to eat regularly.

Is this 14% figure an America thing only? No. It's a global thing.

What I would love to know is how many of those UPF addicts actually know how to make a fried egg sandwich, as that is the second most basic thing you could make in the kitchen. I'll tell you what #1 is in a moment.

A fried egg sandwich in its most basic form is this: Toast two pieces of bread. Toss a pat of butter in a pan. Turn on a stove burner and put the pan there so the butter melts. Once butter is melted, crack an egg into the pan. Cook until firm. Put the cooked egg on one piece of toast. Take the other piece and put that on top. DONE.

Yeah, you can get more fancy with a fried egg sandwich, but that's the basic version. Anybody who doesn't know how to do that is an idiot because that's seriously basic kitchen skills.

The absolute most basic thing I know of to make in the kitchen where you actually have to cook something is boiled potatoes. Wash potato. Cut potato. Put potato in boiling water for 10 minutes. Drain. Eat.

Any one of those UPF addict fools can do that - and don't tell me they couldn't, because they ALL know how to make macaroni and cheese from a box. If you can boil crap pasta, you can boil a potato.

My guess - and I'm certain I'm right on this one - is that those UPF addicts don't know how to cook a damned thing using real food. Zero kitchen skills. They never learned, nor do they want to. And no, a microwave pizza doesn't count as cooking. In fact, none of that frozen crap you "cook" in a microwave counts.

That article says more research needs to be done into the problem of people eating nothing but garbage, and that UPFs should have more clear labeling.

Oh, great job, genius. Slap a label on there. That'll work.

It won't.

How do I know? It's already been tried and nobody pays attention to them. Ever see those cautionary labels on soda vending machines? You know, the whole "Balance what you eat, drink & do" thing? That's a good example. You've probably seen them. Does anybody care? Nope.

You could go full stop and slap a big ol' label on a chocolate bar wrapper that said outright "THIS IS REALLY BAD FOR YOU, DO NOT EAT IT", and people would still ignore it and eat the chocolate bar anyway.

Labels won't fix anything, but kitchen skills would.

Boil a potato. Make a fried egg sandwich (if you want to go fancy, add ham, cheese and garlic powder for "Italian" tasting bread). Steam some vegetables. Fry up a chicken breast. Make your own salads.

And for any idiot that says, "But.. but what will I eat when I'm on the go and not in the kitchen?" Oh, please. Just stop at a 7-Eleven and grab a packet of plain nuts. That's infinitely better than some fast filth slop burger. Grab a bottle of water there while you're at it. Or just pour yourself a hot coffee (not the premixed crap). You don't need the damned soda.

It's not hard to get off the filth, people. Truly, it isn't.

Published 2023 Oct 13