the handy dandy craigslist personals translator

Being that craigslist personals is populated by harlots, tarts and gold diggers, here's my handy dandy translation guide. If you see any of the words or phrases below in a girl's personal ad, here's what they truly mean.

BBW: Bring Burgers With.

Looking for Mr. Right: Money makes me excited.

Bored: I ran out of beer money.

Looking for mature..: I have the mentality of a five-year-old.

Old fashioned: No sex. Ever.

Simple: I take only one shower a week.

Country girl: My cooch stinks.

Professional: You do as I tell you, and I will lead you around by your dick. Also, no sex, and pay my bills.

Real: I'm fake.

Anyone out there: ..that I can sucker into believing I'm not a pathological liar?

Party girl: I'm addicted to crack. And meth. And paint thinner.

Happy Valentine's Day. 🙂